My Journey

To understand my journey you really have to dig deep and go further back to my childhood, how I grew up, how I was brought up and the environment I was in. Keep in mind this is a very condensed version and all of this is coming off the top of my head and is all from what I remember without putting too much time into it. I grew up in a broken home, my dad cheated on his girlfriend, who he had two kids with before me, and when he found out my mom was pregnant he skipped out. He was also put in jail shortly after because of gang related business among the TRG, or Tiny Rascal Gang a very prominent one in California. While he was in jail my mom struggled to move on and moved on to drugs and alcohol, hitting it even harder than she did before  she was pregnant with me. My step dad did try to clean her up and was there by her side through it all, he didn't want the first grandson of the family to be born messed up. He succeeded to an extent, but after I was born my mom left the hospital and ran off to Albuquerque, New Mexico to get away from the family. I was the first generation to be born here in the states and the only one to be born in California. My step dad did follow to make sure she'd be safe. So, after all that happened my grandparents, aunt and uncles were left to take care of me. My grandma immediately took it upon herself to do so despite the situation we were in. We lived in one of the worst neighborhoods in Fresno and were surrounded by constant violence and crime. My grandpa was also on drugs at the time and constantly abused the family on account of his PTSD he got from the Vietnam War and the hardships they faced as they moved to America. Regardless, my grandma stayed to raise me and ensure I would not end up dead or like everyone else. Fast forward about 8 years we were reconnected with my mom and step dad in New Mexico, but were not much better off as we were still in a destitute area. We did have more of a stable community with the people that surrounded us because they were all immigrants and knew my grandparents before the war. However, my uncles all ran in gangs. Including the two I grew up with in my house. They loved me like a little brother, but they were still young and ignorant and as a result exposed me to a lot that they did. Drugs, guns, violence, etc. It was like a continuous cycle. I saw my home get surrounded by police and get raided because they were looking for my uncle, but ended up taking the wrong one. His life was never the same after that and that to this day still kills me knowing who he was before and the situation he's in now, one day though I'll help him. I've also had home invasions, drive bys, basically most of the stuff you see in movies I lived it. My grandma constantly reminded me to not fall into that path however and stay in school and grow to be good young man and I loved her the most in my family so I listened, at least until I went to middle school, but more on that later. 

As I grew up and went to school it was very hard for me. I was discriminated a lot for who I was, not just in school, but in my own family as well. I was the only one that had any Cambodian in their blood; from my dad. This made me a target, and even if the intentions were not for harm, they hurt regardless. Alienating me in a way that ,even to this day, I find it difficult to be as close to my family like I want to be. In school I was often to only non-Hmong Asian mixed kid so it was hard for me to make friends and I was bullied a lot. In fact I even had an altercation with another kid leading to me having a pencil stuck right above my eye near my eyebrow and got the law involved. On the bright side I excelled in my academics for the most part. This hardened my heart a lot to the point that even now I rarely feel emotions such as sadness, sorrow, grief, and I barely cry unless something triggers it and that in itself is a hard task. Also, being a Buddhist monk for some time, one of the practices was to begin to lose worldly emotions and to be more connected to ones spirit rather than the person. So that made it even worse, but numbed it as well so I didn't know the difference. We also moved a lot, we left New Mexico to follow my mom after another drug fueled run away to Vegas, back to New Mexico again, then to Modesto, San Francisco, Modesto again, and finally back where it all began in Fresno. So I didn't have any friends often times and just was an outsider most of my life. I learned to be independent at a very young age. To help with this and to make me feel more like a man I turned to the gangs my cousins were all in. The LB or Lao Blood, an exclusive branch of the Blood for people of Laotian descent only. They took me in and made me one of them. They all knew and respected my family however because my dad was a TRG and an OG (original gangster) at that so I was definitely treated differently. I was pretty much just used to make drug deals because of how innocent I looked at the time and how persuasive I was in claiming it, but whatever they needed I was down for. This lasted for a good while, until pretty close to the middle of my freshmen year of high school. And the two reasons it stopped for good was God and a certain girl I met. 

I attended a small high school on the outskirts of Fresno and there I was an outsider once again, but I did have a few cousins and other LB members there that I quickly assimilated with, but they would all get kicked out after fighting with other gang members. I even carried their guns in my bag once so they wouldn't get arrested. I was the innocent one remember. But because of this before they got expelled they all told me to leave the Blood and seek a better future. They all saw a better life for me and I took that to heart, but old habits die hard. Even after they left I still did my part and what I was good at. Until I met probably one of the most important people in my life, Samantha Benavides. 

Now I do not even know if I believe in love at first sight, but the second I saw her I knew she would be a big part of my life. She was one of my classmates and we sat next to each other. I was already an awkward person because of how I grew up, but it was even more so around her. As the year went on we grew closer and closer; we hung out pretty much all the time, we were inseparable. I was in love with her from the get go and it only grew stronger and that happened she made me want to change for her even though we weren't even together (we practically were). I did begin to make the changes and she sort of broke me out of the shell I grew up in and made who I am today. Long story short, things happened, we fell off for about two years, but remained friends, but recently I felt God nudging me back to her as he did when I first met her. And now we're finally together after four years and I have to say it was well worth the wait. I know God brought her into my life, but I didn't back then. Now we're planning on getting married in about a year and will do what God has planned for us. 

The other person that sort of caused this change was Noah Beukers, who is my God brother now. He invited me to a Bible study and at first I was like, "Why is this white boy inviting me to a Bible study of all things?", but he said there was food so I went. I could never turn down a free meal. Keep in mind I was a Buddhist and atheist in that I did not believe in a higher power, but in ones own spirituality. I heavily went against the Bible and anything it said because I had a very worldly view on it and wondered why there was so much evil in the world if a just God existed. So it took me some time to get into this and once I did it snapped. I went on a missions trip with the Beukers to Oakland and gave my life to Christ in a back room of a predominately black church. It was life changing. No I did not become perfect and I still am not, I have my issues and struggles like everyone else, but I continue to grow and hope to become who He plans on making me. I hope one day the rest of my family will become saved as well. God has used me to bring three of my siblings to His kingdom and I pray through them He will help us bring the rest of my family. There's a lot more to that story, but that is for another time.